Haven't been the same!

Life has not been the same since I have broken up with the love of my life! It is been two years and I'm still not able to get over him. I don't know what it is but I have no desire to be with anybody else even if, I attempt to be with somebody else. All my friends tell me I need to move on and I need to find something that will at least make me happy. Point is he was the one that made me happy. Every moment that I cherish for the rest of my life are the moments that I spent with him and only him. Will I ever get over the fact that we're not together anymore? I wonder sometimes if there is something greater then I'm supposed to be doing. Maybe God wants him to focus on his life, in for me to focus on mine. Maybe with Bro at that place in our lives that we cannot be together and if we were together it would make things look for both of us really bad.

Drug of choice!!!

For the people that aren't aware! I play world of warcraft.... It is truly my drug of choice! 

I usually get to the point where I wanna play it because the urge becomes too strong. I find myself watching youtube videos of trolling videos, songs based around the game, or even people talking about how wow is dying. I am usually able to fight of the urge because I know I will become quickly bored with it. Well, it came to the point in my life at moment. I am able to have some time to play wow, focus and deal with the task in hand. Which in return will not cause me to neglect anything. You know you get in "grid" mode and don't know how to quit. lol Staying up late farming, or trying to gear up!!! lol so many things to entertain an ADHD person. 

Today, I made a choice to go back..... I go to blizzard and do 1 month subscription. Then I see a new expansion!!! It seems that blizzard comes out with a new expansion around the time I decided to go back. I was super hype about the last expansion, this one!!! NOT so much! lol I am like ... yeah ok what ever lol 

Currently downloading the game! It is gonna take a while... so I am probably gonna take a nap! 

For all your wow players out there! If you are interested in adding me and joining me. Please add: Nightlola#1383 

Rapture.... Paltalk discussions

Ever since I was laid off at NCR, I found myself trying to fill my time with random things to do. One of the things that I found to fill my time with was Paltalk. Paltalk has always been a bit apart of my life, but not so much as it has since I been jobless. One of the main reasons why I gravitated towards Paltalk was because of the diversity of topics. If I felt that I wanted to have a discussion about the current political issue. I could find a room for it. Though, there were a lot of times when discussions have resulted in to yelling at one another. Once that becomes the outcome of a good topic, I find myself thrown off completely. The last two months I found myself in one particular room. They value the aspect of having a discussion without bringing the other person down. This allows the people that have something important to say, actually be able to say it without the worry of being bullied.  I have even been able to bring up some topics that I really enjoy discussing without being citizen for the type of topic.

I am usually active on pal talk, when I am not entertaining my ADHD.

I feel that majority of the time, the discussions that I participate in are fairly important. We discuss topics on the different ideas of GOD, as well as different ideas of different Scriptures. 

Today the admin of this particular room on Paltalk wanted to discuss the idea of the rapture, which intrigues me. The topic was how one believes or does not believe in the concept.  Well, for me, I don’t believe in the biblical aspect of the rapture, but how cultures and people change the way they do things based on this idea. Well, the one thing that I think about when it comes to the rapture is the idea of needing our physical bodies. The way cultures consider the human dead body and what they so do with it to prepare it for the next journey of life.  Every religion or way of life has a different way of dealing with this. Egyptians had mummification, Christians, Jews, and Muslims had different type Burial. They all believed that the dead body was important to the next transition of life, and needed to be treated with respect. What are your ideas about the idea of the human dead body and the importance it plays with the aspects of rapture?

Do I really know what I want out of life??

Do I really know what I want out of life? 
What does my heart truly desire?
What makes me the most happy of all?
What were the moments in my life that I was the happiest? 
These are questions we all can consider, at one point of our lives. For me, it seems to be nothing at the moment. When I consider what my future might look like. I do not see anything. I do not see myself in an realtionship of any type,  Independence, an career, or doing what I want. Some might say these are signs of depression. Am I depressed? I do not know truly, if I am or not. I have not really considered before the last few weeks of my life. 

Since, I started considering that maybe I am depressed. I started to become depressed and all the feelings that I have been holding back on has been coming forward. Well, not true deep down feelings, but feelings I feel I am obligated to feel. Then I remind myself how fucking lucky I really am. I could be in the street suffering and a lot more stuff could happen to me. This is what makes me feel guilty for having these feelings? Am I not right to feel this way? Is it not normal to feel obligated? Or is there something truly messed up with me?

See my life has not been the easiest and nor would I want it to be. I was always told that their was always going to be a bit of normality to life. I was expected to grow up, move out, get a good job, and do my own thing. When I attempt to do these things, I get to a certain point and then its like a rug being rip out from under me. I am back again with my chin on the floor. Huffing, puffing, and attempting to dust myself off again and again. Well, I am personally getting sick of this crap. What the fuck have I done to deserve this shit? Then the questions about my life start cropping up in my head again. Its me trying to figure it out again. Is it me that keeps fucking it up? Is it because I am not doing what I want to do? or is it because I am always setting myself up to fail once again. 

I try to be realistic! I truly do! I go to school and pick a career that I would be decent at. I get my first degree. Stick with a shitty job until I find a better one. I move out lead my life how I want it to be lead, but no!!! Lets throw a nail in there and cramp up her style. Maybe, I need to have this happen to me, its like a do over again and again, right? Who know what the hell is going on. I just know when things start going great, it becomes too great to be true. 

Now this is my realistic part of me, just imagine what the unrealistic side of me would do. I would jump in my car drive to a city I would love to get to know. Find some dumb down job and attempt to get on my feet. When I get bored, move on to the next city... or find a way to save up enough money and get on a plane and never come back. Maybe, I am free spirit... 
My dream job would be an Anthropologist. I would travel the world studying different cultures learning different languages. Interacting with people from all over the world. But no.... I have to be realistic and attempt to be what society requires me to be. Work a 9-5 job and be independent enough to raise a family in a box called a home. Maybe, that just is not working for me. Maybe!!! I need something different and I need to be bold enough to do it damn it.... MAYBE this is why I don't see a future, because I need to treat life as a canvas and do what I please.... who knows!

Well fuck it!!!

Amazement of Nature

Lately I have been catching myself staring off in the distance, thinking of nothing in particular. Star gazed, amazed by the most simplest gleam that happens to catch my eye at that moment.Usually I since something form the corn in my eye, which makes me smile. Why all the sudden do I seem to take a step back from reality and see things in a complete different light? Is it just my imagination wondering off, to weird and fascinating places, where things seem simpler then they appear? Who knows, would we ever really know? I doubt it!

Yesterday, or lets say last night; around 3:30AM I stepped outside to smoke. As I usually do I look at all the bugs that congregate around the night lamp outside the door. I always discover a weird looking bug that I never have laid my eyes on before. Coming up with weird ideas why that it might have the patters of colors, or if its a different type of spider. Even though, I am afraid of spiders I try my best not to kill them if they are not running across my floor. I feel horrible when I kill a living creature. I tell myself; they are scared and helpless, what right do I have to take their life away? As I stood their just looking at the bugs, smoking my cigarette. I had this over whelming since of oneness with everything. As I stared off in the darkness of the night, my skin tingled and I felt as if everything around me was alive. I stared at the tree leaves and trunk as the light reflected off it; giving me a since or amazement. Knowing its living, breathing, and it had a purpose just as I do. These small moments with in my life, give me the reinsurance that there is definitely something much more to this universe then we know. If everyone actually took the time and patience to listen to the bugs chirping, silence sing, and the wind blow. We will feel the oneness that we are suppose to feel.

Why do I not have these great moments of awareness at all times? Is it because I sense things differently depending of my environment? Who knows... I wish to walk around with this awareness of how everything is intertwined with each other. We were never really meant to wonder around this planet destroying everything that we touch. Just because we are human doesn't give us a right over everything else. Why do we do this??? WHY? Only if you people understood the great pain the stamps its self on my heart, every time I come to realize the brutality of what we are capable of.

The other day, a king snake was crossing the road. I know that it might have been an accident, which in most cases people do not pay attention to where they are going. The snake was already dying, but I stopped my car, frozen on what to do. I drove around it! I knew I could not help it, and I wish I would have gotten there before it was killed, maybe then it would have had a chance. People say, " why was it crossing the road in the first place, what a stupid snake." I wanna scream, " The snake has every right to cross this road, this road wasn't here when nature made the snake, you made the road, RESPECT nature!" Nature never attended for the Human aspect (Not caring), we need to start listening and understand that they are not in our WAY, we are in their WAY. They have more of a right to be here then we do. We are a plague to this planet and I will be waiting for something to come along and treat us like we treat everything on this earth.

Have you ever really consider what I was saying? Do you ever care? Maybe if you took the time and looked and watched how in one simple life form you could understand the universe.
 
I just wish; that I could stay connected, I wish I could make people understand how I feel, and I wish there were more people that would stand up and actually do something about it.

I will shut up now...
Danielle

Sleeping....awake...

Ever since I was told to choose between my college or my job, I have been with out work since. I was hoping that it was a good thing, which I still feel it is. I believe every time a door shuts another one opens. Even though It just takes a while to find the open door.

Well, ever since then I have had erratic sleeping habits. Let me just let you know that I have basically been like this my whole life. It doesn't matter if I gotten up at 6AM, I will end up sleeping close to 2 or 3 AM. It drives me nuts actually, even though everyone assumes I enjoy it. The only purpose I have for staying up so late, is that I feel calmer and feel more relaxed at night, even though I am relaxed my brain is going 100mph. It usually helps me get homework done, or something I have been putting off for a LONG time.  Usually if I try my best to go to sleep, I will end up staying awake in bed until 3 or 4AM, since I have been through TRYING to sleep a million and one times. I figured its more of a waste of time, so I prefer to actually get things done. In the long run the action of doing something helps my brain to amp down, which allows me to actually fall asleep.

I know that most people today experience this on more then one occasion within their life time. Though, it seemed when I had a J.O.B. I was more inclined to actually fall asleep because my timings were more structured, I had stuff done at certain times, I started settling down earlier, depending on my work times. Though usually when I knew I didn't have to work until evenings and could sleep until 5PM I would be up until 3AM.

Now, Its just sleeping... awake! Doing homework when ever I feel inclined to do so, because I will defiantly pull an ALL nighter to make sure everything is turned in perfect.

I keep wondering if I still had my Job would I still make good grades, because I know my work load in my classes are going to increase because we are packing in 8 weeks of stuff in 5 weeks, which in the long runs mean that we are SHORT on time. Maybe, this is all for the best. maybe because I am so close to the finish line that I needed this.... YES! that is what it is!!
Anyways.... Blah blah blah.... I will shut up now, I just needed a quick break from my homework. Maybe I will keep this journal up, just for my personal enjoyment.

Bye bye
Danielle

Time that pass quickly...

I haven't wrote in a journal or a blog in a very long time. I use to write in my live-journal all the time, but I became hard to express myself properly. I am probably not going to be able to actually keep this one up either.