Do I really know what I want out of life??

Do I really know what I want out of life? 
What does my heart truly desire?
What makes me the most happy of all?
What were the moments in my life that I was the happiest? 
These are questions we all can consider, at one point of our lives. For me, it seems to be nothing at the moment. When I consider what my future might look like. I do not see anything. I do not see myself in an realtionship of any type,  Independence, an career, or doing what I want. Some might say these are signs of depression. Am I depressed? I do not know truly, if I am or not. I have not really considered before the last few weeks of my life. 

Since, I started considering that maybe I am depressed. I started to become depressed and all the feelings that I have been holding back on has been coming forward. Well, not true deep down feelings, but feelings I feel I am obligated to feel. Then I remind myself how fucking lucky I really am. I could be in the street suffering and a lot more stuff could happen to me. This is what makes me feel guilty for having these feelings? Am I not right to feel this way? Is it not normal to feel obligated? Or is there something truly messed up with me?

See my life has not been the easiest and nor would I want it to be. I was always told that their was always going to be a bit of normality to life. I was expected to grow up, move out, get a good job, and do my own thing. When I attempt to do these things, I get to a certain point and then its like a rug being rip out from under me. I am back again with my chin on the floor. Huffing, puffing, and attempting to dust myself off again and again. Well, I am personally getting sick of this crap. What the fuck have I done to deserve this shit? Then the questions about my life start cropping up in my head again. Its me trying to figure it out again. Is it me that keeps fucking it up? Is it because I am not doing what I want to do? or is it because I am always setting myself up to fail once again. 

I try to be realistic! I truly do! I go to school and pick a career that I would be decent at. I get my first degree. Stick with a shitty job until I find a better one. I move out lead my life how I want it to be lead, but no!!! Lets throw a nail in there and cramp up her style. Maybe, I need to have this happen to me, its like a do over again and again, right? Who know what the hell is going on. I just know when things start going great, it becomes too great to be true. 

Now this is my realistic part of me, just imagine what the unrealistic side of me would do. I would jump in my car drive to a city I would love to get to know. Find some dumb down job and attempt to get on my feet. When I get bored, move on to the next city... or find a way to save up enough money and get on a plane and never come back. Maybe, I am free spirit... 
My dream job would be an Anthropologist. I would travel the world studying different cultures learning different languages. Interacting with people from all over the world. But no.... I have to be realistic and attempt to be what society requires me to be. Work a 9-5 job and be independent enough to raise a family in a box called a home. Maybe, that just is not working for me. Maybe!!! I need something different and I need to be bold enough to do it damn it.... MAYBE this is why I don't see a future, because I need to treat life as a canvas and do what I please.... who knows!

Well fuck it!!!